Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Slipping Down the Rabbit Hole

A rabbit hole, yes- that is it! It fits! It's PERFECT!

Depression for me, feels similar to the rabbit hole featured in Alice in Wonderland when I am in the throws of the illness. With depression there is different states depending on the stage a person is in... and the rabbit hole has different stages as well. Below is my depictions of personal struggles in the hole.

First as I start to feel the loom of the sadness come on, I can see the hole in the ground approaching. I know all too well what it is as I have been there before and so I try to avoid the hole as much as I can, tip toeing around it. I grab onto anything that will help me stay out of the hole, like the tree branches that I see. As the sadness starts to engulf my inner being however, I cannot see the hole clearly anymore. Then as time approaches things start to feel rather hazy and I are unsure what I are doing. Some of the tree branches I was holding on to dig deep into my hands and I let go of them realizing they were not really helping me in that moment. The others snap with the weight and force. Where are my feet going? The ground is slippery and it causes me to fall into the rabbit hole without even realizing it. By the time I see that I'm falling, I am too far down and getting out is an issue because I am so tired and don't have the mental energy to figure how to stop falling and climb out. Things seem dark down in the hole and it appears like I am falling.... down... down... down... and will never stop. As I spin around and do flips, I am very unsure what is happening... disoriented with all the things going on yet not understanding what is taking place.

Art Journal- down the rabbit hole.


Once I finally hit the bottom of the hole, I realize the world on the other side is a bit different then the world of Alice in Wonderland. This world around me appears to be the same as where I came from, only it is strangely different. The colours are not vivid like they were before, rather muted and dull with the colour grey seeming more prevalent. The sun is not shinning like it use to, seems dreary and somber.

I don't always seem to understand what people are saying to me as it is like they are speaking a different language which for the most part I cannot comprehend. When they say something that I do understand, it is hard for me to remember what it is that they said. Everything seems rather slowed down in this bleak world- I am moving listlessly and feel heavier- causing movements to be slower... my feet are fixed in concrete! I don't have much energy and so I rest a lot, often times unable to do activities that others are doing around. I am in more physical discomfort then before I fell into the hole- did I bruise myself on the way down perhaps and not note it?

I feel a constant sadness that does not go away no matter what I do or what others try to do to cheer me up. My heart is naturally heavy and tears steam down my face frequently. I don't understand what is happening around me- where am I? This feels like a dream that I want to wake up from. The world feels unreal... I feel unreal. Nothing seems as what it should be- its like I stepped into a new dimension and I cannot seem to get out of it. I do not recognize much around me nor am I able to connect to the people that speak to me. Things that I say are incoherent and I am left feeling mute.

I am ashamed- is it my fault that I fell down here in the first place? Stupid me... of course it is. I cannot see anyone around that I trust who can help me out of this terrible place- I am alone. I don't care about anything anymore. I no longer feel that I have a purpose since I fell down here. I have lost the meaning of my life... I have lost my inner drive to find a way out of the hole. . I feel lonely even though there are people around me, I am unable to connect to them. Nothing seems to make sense. I have two choices- do I try to fight with the last bit of energy that I have or do I give up and lose the battle? At the end of the day, the choice is extremely hard to decide what is the best.

2 comments:

  1. WOW, Twyla this is such a true description of what I have felt. Currently with the support of a great Doctor which I see once a month and medication I was able to climb out of that hole. There have been times since my last serious bout in 2008, when in the Merry-Go-Round of my life that hole has comes close for me to fall down. I have caught myself, it is hard because that hole is always open waiting for me to fall in. Friends say, be strong you can fight it. They do understand the hold that depression has on me. At times I myself do not know. It is hard; I will not give into this battle called
    depression.

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    1. Thanks for commenting Sali. Although it is sad that you are able to relate to the "Rabbit Hole", take comfort knowing that you are not alone in your struggles. I am glad to hear that you have a supportive doctor and friends that are there for you- these two things are key to one's recovery. Continue to fight the good fight and remember that you are never alone in the Merry-Go-Round of life. Believe in yourself that you can achieve greatness and not give into the battle.
      Thanks again for your comment.

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