Thursday, December 20, 2012
Sometimes it is Harder to Receive
Ever feel unworthy to accept a gift from someone- whether it was a stranger or a friend? Feel like you do not deserve any gesture of kindness? Think someone worse off could benefit more from the gifts people bestow upon you?
You are not alone.
Today has been a day of shear conflict for me in this area. This morning I had to accept a gift that was hard for me to do. Then, I had an unexpected delivery from my church this evening that a couple ladies wanted to drop off to me. They called me a head of time and I was not sure really what to tell them. I knew that they wanted to come by and it was important to them. But inside my head all I could think was "You don't need these things they want to give you- you are going to be taking away from someone who will need them". It was hard to know what to do but I knew that I probably should accept their kindness because it would hurt their feelings. Sometimes as hard as it is, we need to fight what our inward thoughts are telling us and do what is right. This was the case for me tonight.
I had planned to go out for a bit and thought about using that an excuse to not be home. But I also knew that I was really tired as I have not been sleeping well and the chances of going out and enjoying myself would of been hard for me this evening. I knew that the ladies were coming to my area anyways and I would have felt bad if they did not have a chance to get this gift to me. So, I made sure that I was home when they came. While I was waiting, all I could think about was how much I did not deserve this token of kindness bestowed upon me from people that cared about me. It is extremely hard to let someone help me no matter what my state of mental health may be.
While the ladies were here, I tried hard to keep my composure as much as I could. There were a few tears that trickled out but the dam did not break until later. Once they left, I sorted out things and started putting them away. There was a bag of goodies that I looked at as well... this is when I found the card. I opened it and read what was inside and saw there was more to the gift. This is when I lost it and found myself sitting on the floor with tears streaming down my face. How could anyone show this much kindness to me? How could I be deserving of such a gift? How is it that people could be so nice to me while I have been so hard on myself? How could I not see that I am valued and of worth but these people could?
I have come to the conclusion that during the trails of the storm, I have an especially hard time accepting things that people do for me because I do not feel as if I deserve it. More times then not, I will not ask anyone for anything even if I am in desperate need. I will find a way to do it myself or it will not happen. I feel that I do not matter and that I am not important. When I am feeling low, I will deprive myself at times of basic needs or wants because I do not feel worthy enough. Often I will go into a store and see something I like- more times then not, I will leave it there because it is a "want" and not a "need"... even if it is from the dollar store. I have no problem spending money on others though. I am my own worst enemy when I am ill. I do not take care of myself properly and I have a hard time letting people in. WHY... because I do not want to be perceived as if I am being a burden to them.
I have spoken to others who too struggle with accepting gifts because they do not feel like they deserve it. I think a lot of people struggle with this issue. Deep inside, our inner self knows the truths- that we are worthy, that we do deserve kindness, love and compassion. We do matter to a lot of people and we are important. So what makes it hard to believe it day to day as we continue our lives? Something happens and there is a break in that connection. I know that our overall state of mental health would factor into it if we are struggling. When a person is depressed, there is a lot of things that change in the mind, one being self worth. So often when a person is ill, they will feel the lowest of lows and not care about themselves or much of anything for that matter. So, the last thing they will think about is that they do matter and they are worthy of someone's gifts, time, and love.
Its important no matter what, to always challenge these negative thoughts as hard as it might be. If we give into them then we start to believe them and the harder it is to dig out of the pit. So, I cannot stress enough to importance of taking every thought captive when things are going down hill. Although it may not help you right away to start to climb back up the hill, it certainly will help you to not continue to slide down it. I know that it is easier said then done because I still struggle with challenging my thought processes when I am having a Not Myself Today kind of day.
What sorts of things do you do or say to challenge your thoughts and remind yourself that you are worthy as anyone else is and you deserve kindness, love, and compassion? I would like to hear from you. Comments are always welcome on my blog posts.